So its 2:27 am and I have 'ditched' a bunch of friends (one whose birthday we were celebrating tonight, and one being my 1 year plus boyfriend) from their night of dancing.
for as long as i can remember, dancing is one thing i have never been able to do - with other people. As I explained to a friend as I was leaving the club (albeit one with a very positive vibe), I would much rather do heroin. And I wasn't kidding about that.
So what does this have to do with being a very hairy girl/woman/something like that? I dont know. But I was hoping you could tell me. It's really hard to write anything beyond this because I have no idea what else to say.
I am sorry that my updates to this blog have been sporadic at best. For the past year or so I have been very lucky to be in a really wonderful relationship with a really wonderful man, someone I truly truly love. I ran out of time to shave my legs completely for his family's Thanksgiving dinner and was only able to go as high as, say, my mid thigh. It looked like really bad haircut, but ON A WOMAN'S LEG. And he didn't give a shit.
I don't really want to talk about my relationship right now. Its kind of another topic. But i do want to talk about dancing. Sometimes I will dance at home, in my room, but always alone. I did go to a show by myself sometime ago and sure did dance in a room full of people, but not one person did I know.
For some reason, I have always felt that dancing has very much to do with identity. Especially, at least in my life and personal experience, my identity as a woman. It was only a year or so ago that I began to feel comfortable wearing a dress. Otherwise it was always baggy jeans and sneakers. For several years I toyed with the idea of a sex change, but a part of me knew that it wasn't the right answer. But where does all of this leave me (and perhaps you too)? In the middle of nowhere perhaps..... or as just a confused and conflicted person.
I want to know how you all feel when you dance with others (if you have done so). Is it a big deal? Something you had to work up to? Or has it been something that has always been easy? If you hold back, does it have to do with holding back in sharing other parts of your life too (like things that are affected by hirsutism. though it can be hard to gauge and understand the many ways in which this touches our lives)? For me, a sincere conversation with my body is something that I seldom have, because for that I really have to let go. and that involves movement; uncontrolled, unadulterated honest movement. As hairy women, we spend a lot of time obsessing about our bodies, staring at them, scrutinizing them, thinking about them all the time, controlling them very severely, but letting them control our lives and our relationships with others. But ultimately I find, it is the relationship we have with ourselves that is controlled, restricted even. obviously.
I do not know if this conversation (with my body) can ever be something that someone else can be part of. First of all, I cannot even be honest with anyone in my life about this 'cage' (hair) that surrounds my body. I shouldn't assume so much, I suppose. I went for a run today, my first real run, by myself of course. It was short, but it felt good. I could really feel the many ways in which I tie myself up, and tie myself down. I could feel how I clench my jaws, my fists. Squint my eyes. Tense my shoulders, Stiff my legs and back......
Where is this all going, I dont know. Will this relationship last, I dont know.
Much love to you all, sincerely, because you are the only ones I have ever been able to be honest with about this part of my self and life. You know, even though this is the internet, I am not writing to a vacuum, I am writing to you. And that means a lot to me.
Thank you for reading.
and please remember, even though I dont respond to comments or update frequently, I read every word you all write.
3.01am.
